My Wife Knows Of My Weakness For Meaningless Sex And I Want Her To Cover Me Up!

At the University, a colleague took me to our Students Common Room at an ungodly hour and I watched porn. After, things became worse for me and I would scour the internet  for porn  videos to watch. After watching them and releasing the men’s milk, I regretted and begged God for forgiveness but later returned to it and that was the cycle for me. Even though I loved God sincerely, I did not know him so well and therefore had this huge challenge. All this while, I had never had sex with a lady and was very shy of them. Anyone close to me knows I am naturally shy of ladies, partly because of my strict upbringing and insults by my step mum about how I looked which made me lose confidence in myself. 

In the long vacation leading to my fourth year at the University, I stood in a competition at church with a young bubbling lady who had completed SHS then and we became friends afterwards. I traveled out of Accra for National Service and we spoke once in a while. One thing led to another and she became my wife after knowing each other and dating for about 7 years in all. 

All through, we never had sex even though we came close to doing so. I became a church leader when I was outside Accra and later proposed to my wife whilst there. We had a distant relationship in which we trusted each other so much. I relocated back to Accra just about a year and half before we finally married.

Entering into marriage, I had expectations of tasting what I had been imagining and even ejaculating about all these years. I was looking forward to all the acrobatics I had seen done in porn videos. But my wife being a virgin made things a bit difficult since it was painful for her. It was not a smooth start at all. I expressed stints of frustration and anger when we could not have sex the way we had imagined it, and the way  I had seen it. It took months to get a flow. A doctor had to advise us along the way and that helped matters. 

My wife also threw some jabs at me that  swallowed hook, line and sinker. I already had my insecurities and she sunk me deeper. I remember when she told me once that I had a bad breadth and that further diminished my already diminished self-confidence. My checks later revealed the bad breath  was a one off thing and not an ongoing issue with me. She has never complained about that again. 

Approximately eight months into our marriage, my wife conceived and that was where our or better still, my woes started. She was always weak and not available for sex, meanwhile, I had explored and found meet up pages through some of these sex hook-up sites. I decided to try meeting someone. The first time was horrible for me. I was full of fear to the extent that the woman I met, who was about four (4) years older than I was, advised me to go home if I was not ready. I mustered courage and had sex with her. After that first experience, I started exploring more and more and meeting more ladies for hook-ups. 

Some of these hook-ups morphed into relationships which I had to end because my wife found out. I cannot count the number of ladies I have met and had sexual relations with. I used condoms as much as possible. But sometimes I got reckless and did it unprotected. When I went for a second round of action and was finding it hard to ejaculate, I would take off the condom.

All through this period, I was doing well at church and attending a lot of programmes but when unable to resist the temptation, I’d go to those sites that link me to hook-ups, I fell. I have fallen many times, apologized to God, continued with my service to God and the church but returned later to the same sin. And that became my new cycle, even to this day  that I have risen to be next in command to my Pastor, the cycle continues.

There is one church girl I even got involved with in one of our Church  branches. She is no longer in the church and even though she had her own issues and had told me she wanted to leave, I think I might be the reason she finally left.  Again, my wife managed to find out about us. In church, I have always avoided any sexual attempts with members, except this lady. 

Talking about my wife’s knowledge of these things, that is the main reason I said earlier, she has told me this weakness of mine will kill her. The first time she caught me, she was about 4 months pregnant with our first child. That was around the starting period of my exploits with women. She read chats I had with a lady I had tried meeting to make out. I apologized and we moved on. 

Since then, on about four or five occasions, she has seen contacts of hookup ladies I had hidden on my phone by adding a common senseless term to their names so I can get the list easily when I have to search. She would ask and I would explain and apologize and tell her it is a weakness I am working on. 

There was one lady who threatened to storm my church if I don’t accept her pregnancy and that led to me informing my wife about her and the heartbreak and heartache was too much for her. One smart lady I met online acted as my barrister and warded the lady off my back. The lady who threatened me said she destroyed the pregnancy because I did not react appropriately so I needed to pay for it. She told me she was pregnant at a time my wife had found out about her because she called whilst I was home and I could not make up a good story to explain. Just when I told her I was ending the relationship, she said she was pregnant and was not ready to show me test results so I blocked her everywhere.

Another lady aborted a pregnancy and I did not know about it because I had told her my wife will never want me to have a child outside our marriage. She informed me about a year after she had aborted. Another lady also aborted but with my full knowledge and sponsorship because I was afraid of what my wife would go through. The lady, on the other hand, also did not want the baby but later she was making it sound like I forced her to take the baby(ies) out. I am not sure but she said they were twins from the initial test she did.

My wife has been through so much because of me and she is always praying for me. Whenever I see her pray, I know it is me she is praying for. She is a true God-fearing woman, unlike me. She is unable to communicate this with anyone because of our integrity and most especially, my integrity and image. She feels disrespected by me, has fears I would get a child outside the marriage, our children turning promiscuous when they grow up and I am sure she is worried about me infecting her with an STD. 

She tells me she thinks about these things every time and I should not think when I apologize, she forgets about them. She said she trembles when she thinks about how promiscuous I am. Nobody associates a weakness like that with me because I appear very innocent and very nice to people. Recently, she told me an older woman at church told her to take very good care of me because I am a very good person but the woman doesn’t know who I am. 

I later asked myself, so does this one weakness make me a very bad person and cancel every good deed of mine? Only my wife knows this weakness of mine but has a difficult time covering up for me. I have hurt her so much and I am tired of pursuing these things. As I write, I am now involved with another lady I chased for about 4 years and she finally gave in to me after I had proven I felt something for her. She is a very sensible woman and gives me space and peace even though I have to support her due to the fact that she is a single mother of twins. She is quite hard working and I feel burdened to help whenever she is in need. I feel safe now when it comes to pregnancy because she has taken a five-year family planning method that will last until next year. I know you will say I am mad because my wife found out about her too, and I did everything possible to cover up and continue seeing her. For this particular lady, I am not ready to give her up, because I have given her so much without getting anything back in terms of what some men would want after helping a lady. 

My wife recently sat me down for a long talk after she discovered the list of hookup girls I compile once in a while and due to that, I want to let go of everything. I need help on how to do this because I am tired, I have prayed and fasted to no avail. There was a day I did a second-round raw sex with a lady and it dawned on me how foolish I have been and thought about the implications. After, I ceased for four (4) months, the longest I have ever avoided this, until one day, I longed for it so much that I ran away from work to hookup with a lady. 

With my wife, we have tried counseling to no avail. I am tired but cannot give up on myself now and continue to put my wife through worries and pain.

You would not believe me and might conclude otherwise but I love my wife so much and want to stay with her without doing these things any longer and serve God as He expects from me. What should I do now? I know some readers might judge me but all I can say is that, thank God for keeping you away from that one thing that can make you fall and wallow in sin. At least, say a prayer for me and my family after reading this. I need help, especially without my wife’s involvement.  She has already been through so much to know more. 

Kwame.

Editor’s Note:

First of all thank you for the courage to reach out and open up. We appreciate you for trusting us with your story.

Second, please do not try to make your wife responsible for your behavior. Lose that entitlement one-time-quick! She does not have to protect your lie and your shame, but she gracefully is doing it. In fact I think she is enabling you with her silence and her presence. If I were her, your Pastor, parents, friends and church would all be very much aware of what a whore-monger you are. And you would be single! So do not expect her to cheer for you because you’re an all round good guy with one small weakness which happens to be a compulsive sexual behavior.

But please do not hear condemnation from me. I empathize with you. We all have our demons, each one of us. Some demons are just meaner and busier!!

You see the lonely, painful childhood you had? I bet it is the source of your behavior. It sounds to me like you’re trying to self-medicate the void in your soul with sex. Research shows that most sexual addicts have suffered some form of past abuse or neglect. You are very likely using the combination of the fantasy of pornography and the random sexual encounters as a salve for your hurting soul. You could be a sex addict, which essentially eans you’re sick and need professional help. Prayer alone won’t help as I am sure you’ve already figured out.

So here’s what I recommend:

First Acknowledge the pain and hurt in your past and commit to healing that wound. Enlist your trusted family or friend to hold you accountable. Please make sure not to make your wife that accountability person, she is from all indications your enabler. Talking about, “…because of our integrity and most especially, my integrity and image.”

Then find a therapist. Not just a counselor. Find a trained, professional psychologist to help you peel back the layers and identify what is going on with you. I will be upfront with you, therapy is hard, it is uncomfortable, but it works! You can be helped.

The next thing I want you to do is go to a clinic or hospital and request an STI/STD including HIV and AIDS test. It is imperative you know what your sexual health is so you can begin to take neccesary health precautions. And also because, the few minutes you will sit waiting for a negative or positive result will help reset your brain a little bit.

I hope you commit to getting professional help. You can be helped. 

All the best.

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