What Happened When I Cheated On My Husband.

We met at a cafe one rainy morning, Ansong and I. The clouds were angry and in a dark mood, as if chastising me for taking a step towards cheating on my husband. The ambience in the cafe matched the sin in our hearts; dimly lit, warm coffee smell, tantalizing and inviting pastries.Smooth jazz played in the background. It was as if we had never missed a beat, we talked and talked. We reminisced about the days of old, when we were young and free, when we had but very little care in the world.

And then he reached out and held my left hand, and he ran his fingers over the diamond Cosmos had slipped on my finger months prior, “This should be mine, you should still be mine,” he looked into my soul.

I melted.

Those impossibly dark eyes bore holes in my soul. And I felt the tingle in my toes, I came alive. His infectious smile brought me a flood of memories; impossibly white teeth sharply contrasting which ject black skin. I remembered the day we first met at a raucous college party, when he had swooped in to rescue me from the unwanted advances of a drunken fool. He had been so chivalrous and sweet. I fell fast and hard!

“What does the rain remind you of?” He asked me.

I knew exactly what he was asking, Celine Dion’s A New Day Has Come was his favorite. We had spent countless hours in college devouring that album:

“Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

Let it fill my soul and drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…”

Nostalgia took the place of common sense. Lingering feelings clouded my judgment, I still wanted him. I wanted it all back. The adrenaline, the uncertainty, the passion, the pain, all of him, everything he embodied, I wanted all of it.

We locked eyes, the lust was thick and palpable.

“Friday evening, 9:00pm, Golden Tulip. I’ll wait till 12:00am and if you don’t come, I will take it you changed your mind and never bother you again,” He said.

All I saw were his dimples and how beautiful he was. I was past the thought of cheating on my husband, it was a question of how quickly I could get it done.

I had a strategic session at Koforidua that Friday the 16th of March, it was supposed to last the entire weekend. Cosmos helped me pack. I made sure my panties matched my bra. And I bought new lingerie. I kissed Cosmos the kiss of betrayal, “See you Monday or Tuesday depending on how long the session lasts.”

Except Accra Golden Tulip isn’t anywhere near Koforidua. At the end of the work day, I headed for the hotel.

My beau awaited. 

We danced and drank champagne. Then we talked, and laughed. And he whispered sweet nothings. When the fruit is forbidden, its allure hits differently. We took bite after pleasurable bite. We were ravenous for each other; he gave and gave and gave. I was hungry for him, so I took it all and asked for more. Cosmos was but a sorry, faint fissure.

I cheated on my husband with reckless abandon.

We snuck around for eighteen months like love sick teenagers. The danger of it made it even more desirable.

And then one day, with his big heart breaking, Cosmos sat me down and asked me, “Who are you having the affair with?”

He had suspected it long before he questioned me. And he had gathered evidence. So I told. He sobbed, and he asked why. But I was too cowardly to admit I was just a weak fool, a confused little girl addicted to chaos and abhorring anything with a tinge of wholesome.

My sweet, sweet Cosmos; he offered me an option to stay and work through it. But I was too far gone to consider it. So I gave his diamond back and ran.

My family stopped talking to me.

I rented a bachelorette pad and decorated it. I bought two pillows, one for when Ansong visited. But he never used it, because he never showed after my divorce. I don’t know who the bigger coward was, him or me. He completely ghosted me and reminded me why I hadn’t married him to begin with. He was always flaky and inconsistent. And now that I was divorced, he didn’t want the burden of me.

I threw my marriage away for shit! 

But Cosmos deserved better. He deserved the kind of love and passion that is toe curling and fever inducing. And that love wasn’t me.

My father died without uttering a word to me after my cheating scandal.

And Cosmos, I spy on him every now and again, on social media. He and his new wife just celebrated the birth of their son. He looks happy, I know he deserves it.

I need to find me. I don’t know where I’ll meet her, the version of me who is strong and decisive. But I hope I find her. Until i find and cling to her, I pray I find the courage to be honest with myself. I need to leave the girl who cheated on her husband behind, and find the one who has some self-respect and integrity.