I Fear No More - A Letter To My Fear

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I fear no more.

In the driver’s seat you have sat, imposing, fearsome, commanding me to stop, freeze, fight, or flee. You have slammed the brakes many a time, even when I desperately wanted, needed to step on the pedal and keep going. You pretend to evolve and grow. And you pretend to morph and change as I grow and develop. But I see you now, like a straight line, you don’t change, you neither curve nor curl. You’re like a soulless dirge, sang without emotion or purpose ; sang for singing sake, and your refrain, panic. You only keep moving alongside me, whispering, unsettling, and demanding. . In your sameness, you require me to stay same, to not change, to not grow, not go places, never dare. So move over now. No, not to the passenger seat. Move to the backseat. Now! I fear no more!

You would be completely kicked you out, but the growth in me has me aware of our complicated relationship. I am aware you and I have to have a relationship. I know you have a job to do, and you take it seriously. In-fact, you work hard, overtime and all to stay relevant. So by all means do your job, but relate to me from the backseat. The growth in me also has me aware our relationship isn’t healthy, and that is changing today.

I want an open relationship; I’m courting creativity, I will be in bed with hope, will kiss courage every now and again, dance with knowledge and dine with love. Faith and I will sit down for elaborate seven course meals ever so frequently. And I will not confuse my fear for caution.

letter to fear — Overcome fear quote. Photo by Canva

I hope you don’t misconstrue my growth for ingratitude. Believe you me, I remember and appreciate the moments you did your job to the letter. There is that day I walked home from school in the scorching sun, swinging my empty water bottle, when a thrice damned fool tried to coerce me into his house under the pretext of filling my water bottle. You raised the hair on the back of my neck. Stop. Run. Between me and that pillock, one was thirsty, it wasn’t me.

And then there is that day you stopped me dead in my tracks when the grass ahead of me ruffled ever so gently. And moments later, slithering away was the longest, blackest black mamba I’ve ever seen. I absolutely have no doubt that had I taken any more steps, it would have sank it’s fangs into me and left me for dead.

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So thank you fear, you have your moments, but you don’t have boundaries. Which is why I’m establishing boundaries here and now.

Remember that time in the summer of 2019, when my baby decided to exit my womb there and then? You reared your head, uninvited and unwanted. But for the timely presence of my angel in human form, you would have dearly cost me my beloved Afia. So I hope you understand your demotion, it’s either you or me and I choose me.

I am overcoming my fear of judgement, so take a seat in the back and shut up! That is until you have something absolutely, unequivocally relevant to say. You will not get in my ear from the backseat, I’m sorry I can no longer hear your whispers. The old, tiring, revolving dialogue between you and I:

” People are laughing at you, pointing out your errors and enquiring how on earth you could say that. They think you’re ungrateful. They’re saying you’re a liar. They say you don’t belong here, you’re not petite enough, graceful enough…”

I don’t care, I am not afraid. I am entitled to my life, my experiences, my talent and creativity. And they are entitled to their opinion. My inadequacies are mine and so are my gifts. Why should I fear?

“You will fail. This is a waste of time. It will be so embarrassing to be rejected again. Why bother? Let it go. Stop.”

Fear of rejection isn’t driving this show anymore. And the fear of failure? Please bring it on! I’d rather dare and fail than live with the failure of doing nothing. I do not want to be counted among those timid souls who knew neither failure nor success! For me it has to be one or the other.

So take several seats at the back and buckle up, my fear, it is about to be a bumpy, fearless ride. You don’t run this show no more!

Yours Sincerely,

The Woman I have become.

Writer’s Note** This is the first of a series of letters to my emotions. We all have emotions negative or positive, and personalizing them and speaking with them is a powerful way to get a grip over our emotions. So if you liked this one, please check back for the next episode or subscribe to be notified of new installments. Also kindly leave me your thoughts in the comment section and share this with your friends, it will mean the world to me.

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