ASK MISSKORANG: A STRUGGLING COUPLE

I started speaking to people and searching for an apartment on the internet in hopes of finding one that may want to take monthly to about six months payment,  but no landlord was willing to accept our terms.  We kept searching till we found one and together with my husband we went and had a look at the place and rented it. A year and half later our rent expired again. It was in the same period he had to travel to one of the African countries on a business trip, to buy goods using money from a loan and people who prepaid for some of the goods.  We moved our belongings once again to one of our revered adopted father’s home for storage. And then we went to stay with my big brother for a while. Finally my husband made half the rent money and my brother topped us up and we moved into our next apartment.

Thankfully  I got a job and started working. But right after his return from the business trip, COVID happened, the few goods he brought as hand luggage, he sold it and offset the necessary loans. As I write,  the ones he left to be shipped  have not arrived, because of air freight and shipping rate during and after COVID. We had a discussion and hubby said if he gets money he can let someone bring the goods down.

I spoke to my boss against the company’s policy,(because i was less than a year in the workplace) I was given a loan of 5000 Ghana cedis  to pay monthly.  I gave 4500 to hubby to bring the goods. And as I write the goods have not come, hubby said he would want to travel back, because everyone he contacted to go for the goods has a story to tell. When you ask where the money is too, he would ask you whether I know how we’ve been feeding.  About  five  months later I had a procedure (surgery). So we defaulted with the payment? But my boss told me I shouldn’t worry about paying, it’s his little way of supporting me for my procedure.

A relative gifted me an amount of 5000 Ghana cedis for a project I wanted to embark on. I gave it to him because we were still buying drugs and visiting the hospital for review, and we were still putting up our new apartment in order then.

I stayed with my parents for a while during my recovery. And my husband eventually took me home. I realized to my pleasure that our living room had been given a facelift; he said it was a surprise for me. And I also realized to my dismay that he had been consistently calling and texting a lady who turned out to be one of the nurses at the facility I had my procedure at. From the call logs, they were calling each other at least thrice a day. And she made some monetary requests which he obliged her. This discovery eventually led to an argument, we both said unsavory things to the other and we each later apologized. But my trust in him and our marriage weakened.

I keep taking loans against my salary, most of which I use to support his business ventures. I try to support him as best as I can, but it’s always one thing or another. He was offered a shop at a prime location to start a printing business, but he delayed and gave excuse after excuse for months. Eventually the person took his shop back.

He really is helpful and would share a little of what he has with me, but I get worried because when he does not have it, it affects our home. He sometimes verbally abuses me and I have to walk on eggshells around him.  

I go all out to support his business projects, but I don’t get the same support from him. During the period when I was not working as a wife, I still was supporting financially.

 Am I worrying too much? My blood pressure has gone high. All I’m trying to do is help make sure that one or both of us are stable financially, because financial constraints have a way of affecting homes. I  don’t  want a repeat of what we have gone through in the past. I can overthink and ask myself if I am overdoing things. Am I misunderstood or am the one not understanding? There are times I wish I could run and start all over afresh somewhere, because taking decisions as a single woman is much easier than when married. But in my late thirties where do I go and where do I start from.  I kindly need a sound counsel please.

ADEPA

MissKorang Says:

ADEPA. Your name means ‘a good thing’ am I right? Hang in there. Most new marriages go through the valleys and hills. If you ask most married couples who’ve been together for decades, they will tell you the beginning was always rough, before it became smooth. Hold on honey.

You both need to sit down and make a solid plan, and stick to it. Have a household budget, have him lay down his plans for his business and hold yourselves to it. Consistency and discipline usually bear fruit. Progress may be slow, but as long as you don’t give up on yourselves, you will be fine.

You see how your initial struggle was accommodation but you’ve finally found a home? Things fall in place in their own time. My father once said to me, “Adwoa, make haste slowly.”

When I got married an older colleague told me something I found profound. She said, “If you realize your husband is very well capable of wearing the pants in the marriage, wear your skirt, keep quiet and sit down. If however you realize he isn’t great at wearing the pants, you wear the pants, then wear your skirt over it, keep quiet and sit down.”

You are your husband’s helper. Please help him figure this out. Tactfully and lovingly set him straight when he digresses. Many things warrant discarding a husband, your issue isn’t one of them in my opinion.

As far as him giving money your family is in dire need of to the church, point him to 1 Timothy 5: 8: “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

And with regards to the verbal abuse, please ask him to put a stop to it immediately. I find that a stern, “ I will not be disrespected,” is a good opener to letting people know you are not about to endure their abuse. Don’t walk on eggshells around him, confront the verbal abuse by having a heart-to-heart with him. Let him know how his habit of venting his frustration on you affects you. From your writing, he loves you, and I believe if you approach it with tact, he will listen.

I wish you all the best Adepa. I hope things turn around soon.

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