Divorce Journey: A Covert Narcissist Husband Disguised As A Wife-Guy

I did come to understand. My shoe strings came completely undone while mingling at the party, and he was there to save the day. He made a whole show of bending down in his designer clothes to tie my shoes. Somebody took a photo which ended up on my ex’s social media. He received the attention and praise he craved, it exceeded his expectation, he relished it, and thus began a phase in my marriage where perfection was presented to the world while I did all I could to live up to the lie. 

It is interesting, the deeper he engaged in sharing our ‘happiness’ online, the more I saw my covert narcissist husband. The contrast was sharp and painful. Sometimes while I was cooking, he would come to the kitchen, put on an apron, and pretend to help so he could take a photo of himself. When the meal was ready, he would take a photo of the meal to show before and after photos. The caption could be something warm like, “I helped make this. It tastes as good as it looks. Delish!”

And yet in reality, he would criticize the meal from head toe while eating.

He would post me sometimes and write a caption like, “Isn’t she the most beautiful?”

And yet in reality, I would hear how my skin was becoming too dark, and how I had gained weight, and how undesirable I was becoming. Online, our marriage was perfect, in reality I was trapped, confused and in a rage within.

And make no mistake, it didn’t stop on social media. He put up the false front for friends and family too. When my sister and mother were around, he was the absolute sweetheart; he took over the kitchen, cleaned and took us out for a good time. My mother and sister loved him, we weren’t used to men being present and taking charge. My father had been absent all my life, and my sister had been in and out of abusive relationships. So his behavior was out of this world beautiful for them. I could not bring myself to tell them what a  covert narcissist my husband was.

Once after my sister and mother had visited and left, he looked at me and said, “Your family is made up of a bunch of unpolished women, thank God you met me, so I  can balance the equation with my exposure.”

His go to phrase, whenever he needed to put me down was, “Kurasenii” meaning unpolished woman.

We could be in our house for weeks without saying a word to each other, but as soon as we had company, he would be the most loving husband, attentive, talkative and kind.

The fakeness began to get on my nerves, and I lost an unhealthy amount of respect for him. We began to argue more; our marriage began to unravel. And yet everyone outside our home was none the wiser.

He began to pressure me to start a family. But I knew better than to add a child to the charade we were living. I requested that we start counseling and work through our troubles, but he didn’t budge.

And then he had an affair. And I found out.

He apologized, in his usual grandiose fashion. And he threw me a grand birthday party, invited our family and friends and put on a show for the ages. When the party ended,the general consensus amongst attendees was that I was the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.

But his affair continued, and I chose to leave the marriage.

Everyone sided with him. They said he’d made a mistake, I should forgive him. And that I would never find another like him. But I was done, I was tired and out of love. So I left.

He turned all my family and friends against me. My mother and sister chastised me for months unend. In Fact when he left our home when I filed for divorce, my sister accommodated him for months in her home.  And my mother predicted I would never find another great man like him. No amount of explaining could  make anyone believe what the actual marriage felt like, they made all kinds of excuses for him, and outright blamed me for not trying enough.

I eventually stopped explaining, and made peace with people not knowing my side of the story.  These days I am just grateful for getting out alive, albeit with a broken soul.

I share this to let anyone dealing with a covert narcissist husband or wife know that they’re not crazy. The things they’re experiencing are actually real, but the narcissist is a master manipulator, and they can make you doubt your own sanity.