Why Do African Parents Turn Their Adult Children Into Milking Cows?

We have a two and half year old son, I am a stay-home mom, and it is stressful! I would love some nice things, a vacation here and there, but no, our money goes to taking care of another family. When I talk to my husband about how his family is draining us, he does not listen. He says he cannot turn his back on them because they toiled to educate him. My parents toiled to educate me too, but they are not a burden to us. They never take a dime from us.

Can you help me understand? What kind of culture is this? I tried talking to my sister-in-law and she tersely told me to take my son to daycare and go get a job! Can you believe her?

This really is taking a toll on ur marriage to the extend that I am thinking about leaving. Will this ever end? Or is he going to keep paying for the upkeep of these people for the entirety of our marriage?

MissKorang Says:

Wooooosaaaaahhh! I had to get my breathing exercises in to answer this one.

First off, stop calling your in-laws, “these people,” it sounds real disrespectful. And do not ever discuss your marital strife with your sister-in-law, especially when that strife has anything to do with her parents.

Second off, I think your husband did not do a good job helping you understand the economic, social and cultural way of life in his home country. I think he could have done a better job helping you understand his responsibility to his family, that way you could have walked into the marriage knowing exactly what to expect.

See culture is the way a group of people live. I am Ghanaian, not Nigerian, but our way of life is almost identical, with the exception of the way we cook jollof. Our jollofs are distinct, one tastes better than the other, you will know when you taste both.

But I digress.

The African culture is one of taking care of each other. When the elderly takes care of children till they grow all their adult teeth, the grown children in turn take care of their parents till they lose all of their adult teeth. In my childhood years, I never saw any street children in my home country, that is because the extended family system was stronger than it is today. Uncles took care of nephews ad nieces when parents couldn’t. Older children catered to aged parents. that is the African way of life. These days, Westernization and economic hardships have weakened this practice, but there are still a lot of people (like your husband) who still hold on to it.

Now let’s get specific about your husband and his African parents. You said they were teachers and they managed to put your husband through medical school. In Africa, this means they paid out-of-pocket for all his schooling from their meagre salaries, whereas in the USA, you probably received free education up to high school and had access to student loans to go to college. This in turn means that your parents got to save for their old age, all the money that could have gone into tuition for you. For your husband’s African parents, that means they probably did not get to save much, they poured all of it into their brilliant son.

Let’s talk about the pension. In the beginning of this year, the cedi, which is the Ghanaian currency, was around 6GHS to 1USD. As I write, it is about 9GHS to 1USD. Inflation makes nonsense of meagre incomes. The only people who benefit are those who have huge sums of money to trade in dollars, and I doubt that crop of people include teachers. I say all that to say, your in-laws’ pension is only but a meagre insult by now.

So to answer your question, the African economy makes it impossible for your husband not to help his family. His twin brothers may lighten his burden when they graduate college and find gainful employment.

So your attempts at making him stop won’t work. What may work is sitting down with him and agreeing on a budget, that way you can hold him to how much goes to his people. As far as the divorce, be sure it is what you want because I bet Ifeoma is patiently waiting in Nigeria for you to make that mistake.

I wish you well, American woman. I feel your frustration. I hope my answer helps.