Childhood Sexual Trauma Is The Vile Gift That Keeps Giving.

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Sexual trauma is a beast.

Life for me has become a great struggle, so much so that I have become suicidal. I sometimes doubt if God truly loves me. I find it hard to love and accept myself since childhood because at the age of 8, I suffered sexual abuse at the hand of a family friend. I couldn’t tell anybody about it because my parents were strict. I experienced series of sexual abuse and consequent sexual trauma that left me timid, reserved and with a low self esteem.

My relationships never worked because everyone complained my mood swings were worse than tripping disco light. Also the guys I tried to date would be sweet in the beginning and later want to force themselves to have their way with me. I don’t know what the cause was that every man wanted a piece of me. The least they could do was to ask me but rather they would want to force themselves on me, compounding my sexual trauma.

I used to ask myself if I was cursed because it was strange that even noble and good men who had no history of violence would be violent with me. Trust me, I’m not a pretty girl so beauty wasn’t a contributing factor. I remember in the University my close friends swore they wouldn’t let me see their fiancés before their wedding day for fear that their fiancés would lose interest in them before the wedding day. I was named a boyfriend snatcher yet I never snatched anyone’s boyfriend. I don’t wear provocative clothes and do not enjoy the limelight so I’m always hiding and trying to stay invisible. I’ve been moving from one church to the other because I somehow find myself in the middle of a scandal.

Four years ago my relationship with my fiancé ended abruptly and he got married 2 months after sending me the breakup message. This was a guy I really loved and we were in the middle of counseling. He got married to another woman on the date we had decided to get married. Mind you, we were in the same church so I stopped going to church completely.

Two years ago, I joined another church. I swore never to date again or get married. I had men ask me out but I told them I wasn’t emotionally ready for another relationship till I met Max. He didn’t ask for a relationship but rather friendship. Some months into our friendship he told me he was in love with me. I didn’t give him an answer and he didn’t push because we just wanted to enjoy the friendship. He is the only man who understood me and would be with me through my mood swings and listen to all my vents without judgment.

I began to fall in love with him and gradually let my guard down. He lost his job which made me start taking care of him financially, from his clothes, to food and so on. It wasn’t a problem doing that for him because of the love I have for him. His attitude towards me started changing about a six months ago and I did my investigation and realized he was seeing two other girls in the same church.

That did not deter me from taking care of him. He recently got a job which doesn’t pay so much so I still provide financial support. I know I have to let him go but I love him and it hurts. I’ve been crying myself to sleep everyday and the love I have for him is still not dying down. Yes I’ve had sex with him and he’s the first man I’ve had consensual sex with. I feel all kinds of emotions now and my heart is seriously in pain. I don’t know what to do. I sometimes think suicide would end all this pain I’m feeling.

MissKorang Says:

Dear Broken Girl,

I am so sorry for your pain. You need to heal your trauma. Childhood sexual abuse creates trauma that can plague your psyche and tear you down!

You need to find yourself. And you must begin to learn to love yourself before you love someone, anyone. Trying to love someone while you’re mired in this kind of pain is like applying perfume while sitting in a pile of poop! It will not work. You will still smell, even if you pour a bucket of perfume.

Let that ungrateful, cheating, leech of a boyfriend go ASAP. You will not die!

You may want to consider therapy. It works.

From my own firsthand experience, I know trauma can be overcome. But it takes you to do the work to be better.

Wishing you all the best.

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Adwoa Danso

I am a connoisseur of life stories, and writing is my first love. I believe we can empower, educate and uplift by telling our stories. Writing is my happy place.

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Childhood Sexual Trauma Is The Vile Gift That Keeps Giving.

MissKorang Says:

Adwoa Danso

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