Self love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself.
Unknown
I recall a story in my 4th grade English comprehension book, a folktale, telling how the most beautiful and presumably, the most favored among it’s peers, the crab, lost its head due to too many friendships. Always one to rethink and re-examine, I have come to believe that the story did a good job in teaching little kids a valuable lesson but failed to develop the lesson properly. Did the Crab lose his head due to many friendships or something else?
The Story- How crab lost its head
Long ago in the Animal Kingdom, Crab was one of the most blessed and most beautiful. Odomankoma Nyankopon, creator of all things made Crab special; he had a big beautiful head, he had wits, he was kind, he was rich and he was wise. Crab gave good counsel and was charitable, which earned him many, many friends. Stories of his kindness spread through the Kingdom, many stories were told of his riches and benevolence.
And in order to keep up his image, Crab gave and gave, never saying no. Despite his wisdom, the concept of self love eluded him. He didn’t pay attention to his own needs, he didn’t set much boundaries, all the cared about was how others saw him.And the more he gave, the more his friends asked of him, and took undue advantage of him. He gave up his comfortable home so Sansi the snake could lay her eggs and raise her children. Crab gave his gold and other rare and expensive ornaments to Goldfish so he could go marry a wife. He lent his blanket to Pangolin so he could use it to safely tumble down the mountains.
Alas, Crab didn’t have much left, even the clothes on his back were gone, borrowed, never returned. And so he sat alone, on the banks of a river, clutching his beautiful head in his claws, enjoying the cool breeze, deep in thought.
No Limits. No Boundaries
Along came Ananse the Spider, with his silver tongue and cunning ways. He asked to borrow Crab’s beautiful head, he had a meeting with his in-laws and needed to impress them. “My head is all I have left, when will you return it?” Crab asked his friend. “6pm tonight”, Ananse replied, “I swear by my silky web and eight limbs”, he added.
Thus Crab handed Ananse his head, and sat headless, unable to see, waiting for Ananse to return. He waited and waited and waited some more. Ananse did not return.
Upon seeing Crab’s plight, Odamankoma, broke two tiny sticks, made them into eyes and fixed them on Crab’s body to enable him see. That is how the Crab lost his head and came to have two sticks for eyes.
Was It The Friendships Or Was It Something More?
So back to the question I asked earlier, did the Crab lose his head due to many friendships or something else? My fourth grade lesson taught me friendships cost the Crab his wealth and his head, and that is the lesson I carried with me for twenty-something years until I stopped to think about it today.
Could crab have just said no to his friends? A simple word. No!
Crab lost everything because he was a people’s pleaser. He bent over backwards to please everybody but himself. He didn’t practice self love, neither did he have boundaries.
No: Learn to Say It. Cultivate Self Love
If you’re like me and you were raised to believe selflessness is everything, not taught how to set proper boundaries, you probably don’t know how to comfortably say no and not feel bad about it.
But it is important to know how to say no. Whether it is a business, platonic or romantic relationships, the word ‘no’ can help make it healthy for all parties involved. Setting healthy boundaries is a very vital component of self love.
5 Ways To Say No And Set Boundaries: Begin A Journey Of Self Love
Setting boundaries is practicing self love. Boundaries basically say, “this is were your liberties end and my choices and self begin.” Ever heard the phrase, “your freedom ends where my nose begins”? Yes. Exactly!
1. Be Assertive and Courteous :
You may say, ” I appreciate you coming to me with this, but I am unable to devote the required resources needed to help you now. I have to say no to this one.” You politely acknowledge their request but firmly decline and leave no room for the other person to continue to ask.
2. Be Firm and Just say It:
Don’t beat about the bush. Offer no weak excuses. Don’t feel compelled to explain yourself. Offer a brief no and leave it there.
3. Study and Understand People’s Tactics:
Let’s say you have that friend that comes whining and complaining about your mutual friends and how selfish they are because they declined a request. How about the next time they begin bad mouthing someone to you, you counter by saying, “just know I may also say no too, but keep going I’m listening.” Understanding people’s manipulative tactics help stave off the social pressure that may keep you saying yes when you should be saying no.
4. Set Boundaries and Make Them Known:
Evaluate your relationships, your role in the said relationship and set boundaries accordingly. For example, I have friends who know even before they ask, that I have four children and bills to pay, I do not lend money. And so even before they ask me for a ‘soft’ loan, they know the answer is a “no” in advance.
5. Be Selfish: Practice Self Love
Put your needs first. Take care of you first. After all if you’re not your best, how can you be of service to anyone? Fill your cup and give the overflow away. Remember if you set yourself on fire to keep others warm, you will burn to death. Practice self love. Love yourself, it is a good way to learn and know how to love others.
Don’t be the Crab. Do not lose your head – literally and figuratively – while pleasing people.
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