My Love Story: Love And Lies

“It is better to adjust yourself to their absence than to adjust yourself to their disrespect,” my mother would always say of friendships and relationships. My parents had the most beautiful marriage, the love and respect was so evident, it was palpable. Theirs was my example of a beautiful love story, and so I thought I had a model example and couldn’t get it wrong. And yet I found myself in a web of love and lies. So intermingled, I began to believe I was crazy.

I don’t know where the calculated deceit started from, but my guess is, it was all a ploy from the beginning. Before Dean befriended me, and then became my college sweetheart, he knew exactly what he was doing, he had it all planned out. It is who he is, a narcissist, intelligent beyond comprehension and evil just the same. I have heard friends say they saw theirs coming, saw the red flags and ignored them, but I did not. I saw none of the flags, not blue, not green not red!

He was the most protective, kindest, loving boyfriend. Right after college when he proposed, I was over the moon. In my mind, I had found the image of my father, an epitome of love and respect. Two years after I graduated college, we were married and actively working towards our future.

We did everything as a team. We planned our careers with consideration for each other, we managed our finances together and ran our home together. Three years into our marriage, our first angel arrived, Eloise our baby. That is when I opted to be a stay-home-mom and raise our child while Dean provided the finances. For the next three years, I stayed home and played mom, wife and homemaker. And within that period we had our second angel, Sabrina. That is when our love and respect morphed into love and lies for me.

Dean became different, it was gradual but I sensed, and then saw it. He became short and irritable with me. And then blamed me for being paranoid and insecure. The late nights came shortly after the change in behavior. Then came subtle verbal abuse and put downs. I was lost and in denial. Certainly this isn’t the Dean I know, I was bent on digging the Dean I knew from this stranger I was seeing. The deeper I dug, the more lost I became.

I attended his office Christmas party with him one particular year, and while we were dancing, a young woman came to hug me, interrupting our dance.

“You are the luckiest girl alive. You have the smartest, kindest, most handsome husband in this room,” she said.

I smiled blushed, “What a beautiful compliment.” I thought.

Her name was Erin, she introduced her husband, Larry to Dean and I. The four of us had an amazing time that night and I thought I’d made a friend.

Weeks later, Dean left me for Erin. They had been having an affair for months.

“I’m in love with her. She’s younger and more fun,” were his parting words.

He left me penniless, and had it not been for my parents, homeless too. The whole time I thought we were managing our finances together, he had been making moves to take all our money for himself. I don’t think he became evil during the marriage, a radioactive, evil spider didn’t bite him when he married me, he was evil the whole time. He was just bidding his time till he could hurt me when I was most vulnerable. Love and lies, the match between an empath and a narcissist, a matchmaking from hades.

Larry, Erin’s husband and I began to talk, comfort each other and try to make sense of what had happened to us both. He was shocked and lost, he hadn’t seen it coming at all. For me I had seen signs of Dean’s change in attitude and had suspected it, but had chosen a path of denial. But Larry, he had been completely blindsided.

Larry and I went to dinner once, he was geeky and nerdy and just so shy! His nervousness and honesty about it made something give in me. This was a good man, Erin was a fool. At the end of our date I asked, “Do you want to see me again?”

He seemed taken aback by my question, “You want to see me again?” he asked and added, “I am not interesting or anything.”

“I think you’re interesting alright,” I said.

In the months and years that followed, we discovered each other, Larry and I. We both loved to hike, and sweat it out at the gym. We both loved to sample weird food. He loved kids and adored mine. He was a computer whiz, and enjoyed teaching me the things he created. I introduced him to literature and the pleasure of reading for the sake of it. Larry and I became inseparable over a year.

When he asked my parents’ permission to ask for my hand in marriage, I’m told my father wept. I think he knew then as I know now, that God had sent me my man. Not lies, not abuse, just protection and provision.

We’ve been married eleven years now. And everyday I wake up next to him, I thank God for Larry. I thank God for the heartbreak, the love and lies that brought me to this solid man. Larry is my safe place. I love him to bits! We have two boys in addition to my two girls with Dean. My life is beautiful right now.

Dean and Erin lasted barely two years. I don’t know their story and I do not care. As to their reaction to Larry and I, i will leave it to your imagination.

My love and lies morphed into love and love and love and love and respect. And some more love!